Mojomums were talking about how easy it is to get the intimacy back into your relationship after having children. We all have our own stories and theories on what is right for us as individuals and couples, but we thought we would ask an expert for their thoughts on this rather taboo subject.
Having a baby is a life-changing event that inevitably alters your relationship with your partner. Having a child together will no doubt bring you two closer in many ways, but it will also create new challenges. Sleep deprivation and caring for a newborn can often leave you with much less time and energy for romance in your relationship, let alone getting intimate!
To help overcome this obstacle, We-Vibe has some tips for new mums on how to reintroduce intimacy to your relationship.
The most important thing when reintroducing intimacy into your relationship is to ensure that you are physically and emotionally ready (FSRH 2009). Some couples start making love within the first few months, while others wait much longer. If you’re not yet ready for intercourse, you can be intimate in other ways. Kissing and touching can also create a physical closeness between you and your partner.
This can be more challenging than it sounds when you’re tired and preoccupied with your new baby! But it does make love-making seem less daunting, and more like a natural progression when you are ready.
Communicate your anxieties
After pregnancy and childbirth, you may feel that your body has changed and that you need time to feel like yourself again. These feelings affect most women at some point post-birth.
Research conducted by We-Vibe in the UK revealed that Britons predominantly define being in a relationship as sharing all of their feelings and fears with their partner (63%). Many women worry that their partner won’t find them attractive anymore after giving birth. When they explain these concerns to their partner, however, they realise that this is far from the truth.
Communicating these feelings to your partner is key to your relationship, and another important aspect of reviving intimacy.
Another way to restore your sexual connection is to discuss your likes and dislikes. Reflecting on this is a great way to set the mood. We-Vibe’s We-Book of Delights offers fun, sensitive ways to talk these through with your partner, such as the “Red, Green and Yellow” game.
In this game, you and your partner code your erotic triggers as red, green or yellow. Your turn-ons are ‘green lights.’ These could include seeing your partner undress or enjoying a massage. ‘Red lights’ are your turn-offs; for some women, this might be rough language or facial hair. Finally, ‘yellow lights’ are the actions you enjoy if you are in the right mood, but may not otherwise. Examples of ‘yellow lights’ may include spanking or listening to each other’s fantasies.
Games like these are fun, lighthearted ways to inform your partner of changes in your intimate preferences.
Make time for each other
If exhaustion is your biggest barrier to intimacy, try making love during your baby’s naptime or when you know you will be rested. You may find it easier, for example, after you’ve had a relaxing bath or when the baby has spent an afternoon with its grandparents. ‘Date nights’ after your baby’s bedtime are another opportunity for romantic time together.
One of We-Vibe’s relationship experts, Dr. Trina, committed to a ‘six month challenge’ after she had her second son. Determined to keep sex a priority in her marriage, she set a goal to make love with her husband at least once a week for six months. She describes the experience as being very fulfilling.
‘Six months after my child was born, my husband and I had a solid sex life. It’s not perfect, nor do I expect it ever will be,” she says. “But we are connected as a couple and are in a healthy space to make sex work. And for me, that’s the holy grail of a long-term relationship: to have hope that sex will be an important aspect of your relationship now and twenty years from now.’
Finally, do not be concerned if it takes time to rebuild your sexual connection. Jo Hemmings, We-Vibe’s UK relationship expert, says that while this difficulty is not uncommon, it is definitely curable.
“Recognising that most relationships go through rough patches where you need to work together to get through to the other side is critical in making it work long-term,” she says. “The Five Cs of a relationship are key: chemistry, compatibility, communication, consideration and compromise.”
For more information about We-Vibe please visit our website http://we-vibe.com/about-us
We’d love to hear your thoughts on these tips and if you have any of your own? Did having your baby cause relationship and intimacy issues for you or did it bring you closer together as a couple and intimacy returned instinctivly after your litle one was born? Let us know your thoughts by posting below