Maternity Leave – how do you feel?

So 8 days left at work after today and I have been asked how do you feel, hum how do I feel? Tough one to answer….

This fills me with dread – OMG I have to hand over my job to other people to look after, panic, what if they do a fabulous job, what if they realise they can cope without me, what if, what if…..

This fills me with joy – I will get a lie in before this baby comes, I will spend a whole day in my Pj’s and move only from the bed to the sofa and that is all! (Not sure who is doing the school run that day – but it isn’t me!) It will be nice to relax a bit and wind down, but then again with a 3 year old how much relaxing can you do?

This fills me with fear – suddenly I am beginning to remember the whole birth thing that I had been brushing under the carpet for so long!

This fills me with panic – I am still not organised – OK so the baby bag is packed but my bag isn’t yet, and what if I go into labour in the middle of the night and I have to get Bethany to my mum and what if there isn’t enough time and……

This fills me with trepidation – I get one of those tiny babies again – you know the ones that are completely dependent on you, that you have to do everything for, that cry and poo and wake up in the night.

This fills me with love – I get one of those tiny babies that are completely dependent on you again – There is nothing like that feeling!

This fills me with worry – how will Bethany cope with it all – will she sleep through the crying in the night, will she be too tired for nursery in the morning if the baby wakes her up. Will she be terribly jealous of the new baby?

This fills me with guilt – will I get to spend enough time with Bethany, she won’t have my undivided attention anymore, how will she cope with that – is a good thing? Will it stop the few glimmers of tantrums we have seen or will it make them worse?

This fills me with more worry – that tiny baby means that I can’t sleep because I am too busy watching it breath and worrying I won’t wake up when it cries and is it getting enough food and have I changed it’s bum recently enough and is it too hot in the room or too cold.

This fills me with joy again – that feeling of holding your baby, that tiny bundle has it got my eyes or John’s is it a Mills nose or a Smith nose? Watching Bethany hold her new brother or sister for the first time, precious moments that will never be repeated and will be remembered forever.

More dread worrying about work again – what if I love being off this time and don’t want to go back to work, how would we pay the mortgage without me working – ah we couldn’t this is not a choice – what if I cry everyday because I don’t want to work anymore…

OK now I realise this isn’t even me anymore, so I come out of my trance of weighing up all the possibilities and good and bad outcomes and come back with the usual answer.

Oh I feel fine, bit tired so looking forward to the rest and I have written my handover notes for work so hopefully I am organised here even if I am not so organised at home but I will be with this week or two off I get before baby arrives.

I think I fooled them I don’t think anyone realised that this one tiny question threw my whole life into turmoil for about 2 minutes! Honestly who even knew there were that many emotions let alone trying to feel them all at once, I definitely need a lie down now, well in 8 days anyway!

I’ll be sure to keep you posted about how it is going and what I have!

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